tsnowdude55

Fantastic!

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:29:30 GMT

My physics teacher always says, "If you just plug and chug; you'll do okay on the test, get an okay grade in the class, go to an okay school, graduate with an okay degree and find an okay job. You'll find an okay wife and have okay kids and live an okay life". In teacher talk that means if you just plug the numbers into an equation and don't really know why you're doing what you're doing you aren't getting the whole picture and will pass but aren't succeeding in learning. In real life speak it means if you settle for the minimum, that's what you'll get in return. The problem with settling for the minimum is you can't become fantastic from that.

I want to be fantastic! I want to be something great with my life only I'm a settler. I always do what I can to get by. I take the easy way out. I do whatever will be simplest. I lack the drive, the ambition. the motivation to achieve more. This is why my room is littered with clothes and papers instead of finding a home for them when I'm done with them. This is why I always cram for tests the night before. This is why always seem to start these livejournal entries but never seem to finish them. When I get stuck and things get rough, I turn to something easier. I say I'll get back to it in a minute while I do something more important like facebook stalk friends or look in the refrigerator for something to stuff my face.

I want to be more than that now. I'm tired of only having an okay life. I want people to be jealous of the life I life. I want to live instead of just exist. So this is my new goal in life; I will accelerate in everything I do, I won't settle for an okay life. Starting now I'm making life fantastic!

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:48:00 GMT

It was one of those nights where the world spins ever so slightly in the opposite direction when I first met him.

I lay in bed. I open my eyes. The room is pitch black. I close my eyes and I can see everything clear as day. I open my eyes and I am me, just plain me. When I close them I am somebody else. The anti-me. Every quality that I lack, he has in abundance. He is very intriguing, but scary. He is somebody to look up to but not a role model. He is everything I want to be but can’t. He is cool and suave and confident and everybody loves him, but his face is shadowed in darkness. He is my Tyler Durden waiting to introduce himself to the world and I think I might be ready for it.

Fast-forward three months to present day. The person inside me has been merged with my outside me and is slowly becoming more dominant. It takes a moment of relapse to realize just how much change has been made. He’s returned back inside for a little bit now. I feel the after effects of his presence. He is gone now and I slightly miss him. Come back soon please.

To sum up the year...

Sat, 23 May 2009 08:00:06 GMT

When the wind picked up, the fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky looked like the end of days
The end of days

And a wake-up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom
To warn us it's only a matter of time
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

Bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughter's school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill, on a hill

We watched the plumes paint the sky gray
She laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be all right
That everything would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right

And the news reports
On the radio said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn't think
Of anywhere I would've rather been
To watch it all burn away
Burn away
Burn
Burn
Burn
Burn
Burn
Burn

And the firemen worked in double shifts
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 18:59:41 GMT

Bio final at 8:00
Wake up at 8:20 - SHITT!!!
Get to class at 8:40 - impressive, very impressive.
Kick hella A word, MAYBE 15 points off - still a B right?
Get other scores back - 97/100 paper, 47/50 practical - Sweet!
Find out there's 125 possible on the final but it's only out of 100 - 25 points extra credit - Yess!!
Possible A in a class i was expecting a B in? Sick!

I guess this is growing up?

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 09:22:11 GMT

Once again my world is spinning around me faster than I can grasp onto, but it’s really not a bad thing. For the second time this year I feel such a loss of sense of self. I feel like one of those kids you see in high school who obviously just grew a foot in the past month. They’re stumbling around in a foreign vessel that they aren’t exactly sure how to work yet. I feel a lot like that. I feel like I’ve changed so much in this past year, even this past month that I don’t know my life; but just like a few months ago, I’ll grow into myself and I’ll be me again.

Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right; close your eyes and it’s passed, story of my life. It’s almost 2009. I’m almost 20. Blink 182’s new album came out in 2003. I’m almost done with the first half of my second year in college. I’ve lost track of pop culture. I need a complete wardrobe change. I was stuck in a rut, now I’m flying around in a wind current with no landing point in sight. My world has undergone another split. I see the past as if it we’re another person living it. When it seemed like the end would never come, that end is not long forgotten. I’ve learned to let go, to not hold on so tightly, to open the jar at just the right moment, and enjoy the light.

I used to call it life, I now see it was just angst. When the whole world is against you, is it really? I’m good, truly good. Happy seems like such a weird word to say but I guess you could say I’m happy. Nothing’s changed but me. The countless nights I would spend alone and lonely now seem just silly. Am I feeling a temporary high or am I actually changed? Well, I guess this is growing up.

Wanna know the secret?

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 09:46:23 GMT

So even before “The Secret” I went to see this dude speak about the power of the mind. It was the first and only time I accidently went to church in my life. But this guy talked about how if you want something you need to think about it, then let it go and not think about it again. He said you could get anything you want if you just use your mind. You could become a millionaire overnight if you can think about it so intensely and then just let it go and never think about it again. Lately I’ve realized how much of my life really is true because of this idea, from the girls I like to the friends I have. When I was in 5th grade we had a “Where will I be in 10 years” assignment. Looking back on it I drew a huge house that resembled something you would see in Washington, DC. Well I gt that half wrong because my house is nowhere near that but what I wrote was pretty much completely dead on. I said in 10 years I would be going to a school on the beach and studying to be a doctor. Before that I looked at a map of all the colleges in California and pointed to Santa Barbara and said that was where I would be based on location alone. Since then I had pretty much forgot about all of that and had so many other plans but look where I ended up. Right where I said I would. I really wasn’t surprised when I didn’t end up going to Santa Cruz. It just didn’t feel right. But it’s really weird how that works. I say this is a really cool girl I should become better friends with her or wow this girl is a little more than really cool and I think I should start liking her and then weeks or months or even years later it happens. Its only when I look back and think o shit I remember when I said that. That’s really weird that I realize that my thoughts and wishes back then came true but only if I completely threw them away after a short period. I mean maybe it’s just a confirmation bias at work here but really so many major important parts of my life can be explained.

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 04:29:45 GMT

My heart aches so bad right now but I'm not exactly sure why :[

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:26:43 GMT

My first 2 days in Santa Barbara have been quite the adventure. School started off Monday morning and I went in early to talk to the counselors and register for my classes. Well the first week of school everyone is doing the same exact thing. I waited in lines all day. First I drove around for about an hour looking for a place to park, waited in line for an hour to talk to a counselor, she told me I needed to take an assessment test before we could continue, waited in like about half an hour to get into the room, and finally took the 2 hour test. Considering I haven’t done any kind f math at all in the past 2 years I had forgotten pretty much everything on the test. I got 31 out of 60 questions right placing me in precalc instead of the calculus class I need. So instead of taking the precalc class I’ll just review everything and retake the test for nest semester. After all the school shit show was finished I went back to my campsite and enjoyed a nice little nap on the beach followed by a much needed shower. After a little chill time I headed over to IV to meet up with Nikki. I walked around and found my house I’ll be living in :]]. It’s cute. I’m excited to move in for sure. Well we walked down to the boys place to say hi. We ended up staying all night. Went out to eat then came back and chilled and played some beer pong. It was cool just hanging out, biking down the streets. I still can’t believe I’m living here. It’s just such a foreign feeling its weird. Well I went to sleep in the back of my car just parked on the side of the road. It was pretty awesome. I had a good birthday :].

Day 2 started with me waking up freaking out because I thought I had slept through my first class. Even though it was at almost 1 I still thought I was late. I searched through all my mess looking for my phone only to find out it was only barely 8. I then became very aware that I was sleeping in my car on the side of a street as everyone was walking and riding their bikes past my window. It was awkward so I decided to go to school. Finally found a parking space at like 9:30ish and decided to check out the library where I camped out for a good portion of my day. I ended up running into Nikki on my way back to the library after a delicious corn dog. We killed time til my class actually started. While chillin outside this girl comes up to me and is all like hey Brian remember me? So of course I’m all like yea even though I had absolutely no clue who this girl was and her big glasses were making it even harder to eve recognize her. After talking to her for about half an hour like we were best friends I realized that she’s my cousins friend who just moved down here too. Don’t ask me how she knew me and spotted me out of the crowd but she did. After looking at her for a while I did remember seeing her at the college in Tahoe a couple times. I remember I used to think she was cute because she had braces back then haha. Well I went to my first class physics and Darius is in there. I sat next to him because he’s someone I know even though he’s annoying. He full on passed out through 90% of it. My teacher seems really cool. He’s really spastic and stutters at times. Well after class I had 4 hours to kill before my next class so I walked down to the beach and chilled there for a while. I went to eat at a place much like the beacon but on a much smaller scale. I decided to grab an app there because it seems like a cool place to work even though every person there seemed literally retarded. Both the hostess and my server were sooo brain dead I don’t even know ow they get dressed in the morning. Well I had more time to kill so I went back up to the library and then back to the outside chill lounge where I enjoyed a nice little snack on th bench by myself. Then out of nowhere I hear this girl talking to me saying Brian they have a game room. It was my cousin’s friend again; whose name is Jessie by the way. It’s funny because earlier we were talking about how it would be cool if they had a game room and then there is one. Haha well we checked it out and went back out to the outside chill area. Then she’s like haha look at this kid hella passed out on the chairs you should go poke him. Of course it was Darius again. There’s more people from Tahoe here than in Tahoe. Well I hung out with Jessie for like an hour before I went and crashed chemistry. She’s really cool. I think we’re gonna end up being pretty good friends. She’s hella random and kinda childish like me. We both get excited over nerdy stuff like game rooms and bowling haha. Well chemistry was cool too. I ended up getting into it luckily but only because I showed up to class 20 minutes early. There were like 20 people trying to crash it and it is only a class for 26 so I definitely got lucky. My teacher there is another spastic nerd who often trails off and mumbles. Well I finally left the school 12 hours after I got there and headed back to my campsite for the first time in a day and a half. Well apparently I never checked in because there wasn’t anyone there when I came in late the first night. So tonight when I got there they were like yea well we thought you never showed up so we rented out your space. The dude was super cool though so he had me follow him down to my spot where there was a car in there and 2 dudes sleeping in the car. My tent was still set up in the little tiny spot making it impossible for the other guys to set anything up. I felt pretty bad for them but they were cool about it too and the host moved them to another site right on the beach so that’s cool. Now I moved my life in possessions form from my tent back into my truck and now I’m trying to sleep in the tent, trains passing 30 feet from my head every half an hour and I need t get up at 7 tomorrow to crash another class. Wish me luck. Goodnight!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 06:10:10 GMT

So its about time for a little update. Since the last one I haven't done that much. The highlight has been Manu, a rain forest reserve. We spent 5 days there trail blazing, boating, sleeping in bug nets, zip lining through the canopy, bird watching, getting chased by killer bees, seeing monkeys, and getting swept away by the mighty river. It was definitely an amazing experience. I wish the whole 2 months could have been spent there though I was glad to be able to actually dry off after a shower and I like my clothes not smelling like the jungle as well. Cuzco is now feeling more like home. My house is offering a comforting home feeling. My room is looking more like my own every day with its inability to be kept clean no matter how hard I try. I like this place. Where else can you go to the black market and buy 30 DVD's for about a buck a piece? I've even gotten used to the 45 minute walk I do at least twice a day. This weekend I'm trekking to Machu Picchu. I actually leave in less than 5 hours. 4 days, 52 km, hiking up and down through the most beautiful landscape; high mountain passes at an elevation of 4200m, cloud forests with amazingly exotic plants and animals, beautiful lakes and hot springs and of course the ancient Incan ruins. Day 5 we spend exploring Machu Picchu and hop on the last train home. It will be a weekend of glory. I'm coming down to the last 3 weekends here. This weekend is already planned, one more weekend will be spent going to Lake Titicaca which leaves only one more weekend free to do everything I still want to do. Time is going by way too fast which is why I'm seriously considering staying here longer. I go back and forth daily whether I want to stay longer or not. I guess it all will come down to how much extra my plain ticket will cost to change it. I surprisingly really miss Tahoe. There's so much to miss out on if I do stay, like summer. I wish I could just make July 2 months long so that way I can do both without time being the issue. Well I'll let you know whats going on in my next update a couple weeks from now. Til then, Ciao!

Peru Update!!! Finally!

Fri, 16 May 2008 04:18:59 GMT

So after 15 days and about 30 pages of journal entries there’s no way I’ll be typing that all out so I’ll be giving the sparknotes version.

Well my house is kind of an apartment style but the one has kind of a second floor and that’s where my room is. I have to walk through this makeshift hall/terrace overhanging the city below. I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to get to my room and at nearly 11,000 feet high I run out of breath often. I hate the bathrooms here though. The toilets barely flush and all the paper waste goes I the trashcan. The showers aren’t very nice. It’s an electric shower so that means the more water you have on the less warm it is so for my liking I need it at barely a trickle. In the mornings and at night the air temperature is so cold I don’t want to take showers then because I’m freezing standing in there. And then after 10, water doesn’t exist at all so I usually have to brush my teeth with bottled water.

My family is nice but I don’t talk to them much. I’m pretty independent here which I like. The only time I really see them is when I come home for lunch between classes. My family also owns 5 restaurants. I was hoping they would let me go eat there but they’re pretty stingy and I have to pay if I go which is lame.

Monday through Thursday I have class, Spanish from 10:30 until 12:30 everyday and then ecology or environmental science from 2:30 until whenever on alternating days. In between classes I walk home for lunch. If I have time and if I feel like it I’ll walk back to class. It’s about a 40-minute walk. I sometimes do that 4 times a day. I walk a lot. If I don’t walk I take a taxi. They’re all over down here. Probably 80% of the cars on the roads are taxis and they drive like crazy. It is not uncommon to be scared in a taxi because they’re swerving in and out of each other. Surprisingly none of my taxi drivers have hit anything or anyone. Also people down have the right of way here. They will just keep they’re speed and head right at a pedestrian laying on their horn. I’ve become very good at running across roads like the rest of the locals here.

Food here isn’t the greatest. Every meal I’ve eaten at home consists of rice, some type of potato and a very thin piece of meat; not very pleasing and too dry. You would think my family would make great food seeing as they own 5 restaurants. I eat out a lot but haven’t found anything super delicious yet. I’ve been craving melted cheese like crazy so grilled cheese sandwiches are always very good. The drinks here are very, very good though. They have tons of fruit juices and every restaurant you go to it’s freshly made just for you. I also had a yummy hot chocolate once, and some very tasty fresh limonadas. Yumm. So far I’ve tried cuy (guinea pig) and ceviche (raw fish cured with lime). The cuy isn’t something I’ll be eating again anytime son but the ceviche was pretty good. Now all I need to try is a nice yummy piece of alpaca.

I’m having an amazing time here. My days have been very busy. Every free moment I get is pretty spend up.
I’ve visited some pretty amazing ruins and some beautiful churches. Every chance we get we’re doing something. The nights are usually spent going to a discotec or some new café we haven’t tried yet. There’s a Dutch café we frequent that has a huge selection of movies you can watch for free and a cute baby named tony and this adorable little kitten. It’s nice. In addition to ruins and cafes I’ve also gone to a professional soccer game and horseback riding for the first time ever. There is so much to do and see. I have a list of things I need to do for when I finally get some free time during the day but I don’t see that in my near future. I just wish I had more free time to do what I want. Right now I’m regretting taking 17.25 units.

The people here are fun. I’m making new friends which is always nice. There was a girl I was interested in. I already decided it’s a no go though and we’re just friends. We became super close and then the usual happened where I notice distance and I get sad. I decided being friends is good enough. She still calls me before she calls anyone else so that’s pretty cool. If something happens then that’s cool but I’m not gonna try for anything.

I have a couple of good stories. The first is when I cracked my head open. I was walking down the street minding my own business. I look up the street to the left checking it out because there’s an armed guard operating a gate so I wanted to see what was up there. That’s not a very uncommon thing here but it’s still interesting to know. Then suddenly out of nowhere BAM! My teeth clash and my eyes immediately fill with water. I’m completely laid out on the ground. There are all these little vending carts around here and apparently I missed one. This lady walking next to me was all like “OMG are you alright?” Or at least that’s what I’m guessing she said by her concerned look. On the way home I keep feeling my head and looking at my fingers for blood cause it was hard. I saw a little tiny bit but it was nothing to worry about. I look in the mirror and see a little mark that’s nothing but then I lift my hair up farther and see tons of blood. I clean it up and there is a huge gash in my head. I thought I would have to get stitches but it stopped bleeding so I figured I would be all right without them. Due to Cuzco’s miraculous healing powers 5 days later is was barely a scratch.

The next one happened yesterday. We all met up at 7:30 to catch a bus to go ruin hunting. One girl wasn’t there yet and two of the guys kept insisting we just go because we need to get to the bus station. She showed up two minutes later and we went. We got to the bus station and got our tickets. The but that was leaving right then only had 2 spots left but we had 6 people so we had to catch the next one that left one 15 minutes later. No big deal. On our way down there right before our destination we pass the other bus. It’s flipped over on the side of the road. People are everywhere crying. The ambulance is racing people to the hospital. It’s pretty amazing how fate works. We were two minutes away from being on that bus but it wasn’t our time to go yet I guess.

Some more about Cusco: There are stray dogs everywhere. There’s a street they call gringo alley right off the main plaza where you can’t walk down without someone trying to sell you cocaine and weed a few times. Apparently these guys work with the cops. They sell you the stuff then tell the cops what you look like so they can pick you up. One time walking down there was a huge bust. Probably like 20 cops at the end of the street picking all the dealers up so I guess they don’t have that close of a relationship. Protests are a common thing since the government is corrupt and has made promises they didn’t follow trough on. The people ere are really not very pretty. The children’s faces look so worn and weathered. The streets often smell and there’s lots of littler. I’ve seen a few people pissing in the middle of the street without a care in the world. The biggest soda they have here is called Inca Kola. Its yellow and bubblegum flavored. If you go anywhere to eat don’t plan on being there any less than an hour even if you are the only person there. Between 12:30 and 1:00, the time I’m walking home, there are thousands of little kids getting out of school so they can go home for lunch. Food from the street venders looks really tasty but it’s unwise to eat it. Everything shuts down on Sundays. Everywhere you go you’re accosted by people trying to sell you stuff or trying to get you to come to their club/restaurant. All you can do is say no gracias and keep walking. Little kids try to sell you cigarettes and when you ask how old they are they say 28. I still get annoyed with the stupid tourists even though I am one myself.

Well I think that’s about all for now. I have another busy weekend ahead of me. 2 more days of ruin touring and then we’re going to a rave one of the days. And I’m sure since it is the weekend we’ll have some pretty late nights. The next weekend I have a 5 day trip to Manu, the rain forest. The weekend after that there isn’t anything planned yet but I’m sure it wont go to waste. The weekend after that we have the 5 day trek to Machu Picchu. Somewhere before I leave I still need to hit up Lake Titicaca for a weekend. I want to go hang gliding. The very last weekend were here they have the Inti Raymi festival which is supposed to be the second biggest celebration in all of South America right behind Carnival. So much to do so little time.

Sun, 04 May 2008 07:07:13 GMT

One of these days I'll post an update on my first few days for you all to read, I promise. I have it all written out I just need to type out all like 12 pages of it. So be ready :]]]

Fer Sure What???

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 08:21:58 GMT

So you know when your life is so uniform and routine that you just need one night of something different, something amazing to keep you going through the next few weeks of the same day in and day out schedule. Well my life is so hectic right now I don’t know the feeling at the moment but if it were like that tonight definitely would have been that amazing night!! I took my sister to see the medic droid and it was awesome.

So my first story happened before we got to the concert at In-n-out. There were people in there in like full on prom outfits eating burgers. Yea I thought the dudes were pretty lame for taking their dates there for prom or whatever hella formal event it was. But then I hear one of the dudes talking on the cell phone saying they were going to Wal-Mart before to get some stuff, lame number 2. But to top it all off as they left I heard one of the girls saying bye mom and I look back and I see her hugging one of the ladies who works in the In-n-out kitchen. Wow, welcome to Nevada.

The concert took place in Reno. I thought it was going to be a big show. I found out it was at a bar and grill called Fritz’s. I was surprised because that means that people will be pretty limited there. I still thought it would be a bigger place. Something with like a bunch of tables and a separate bar area and just a big place. This place was seriously the size of my living room. They had a makeshift step up stage that took up about half the room. I thought the remaining space would be packed full to the brim but there was a ton of space. There was only about 30 people there total. I saw Glen and Matt Yuen and a couple people from Tahoe I didn’t know. Matt gave my sister a hug. That was way weird.

The first band came on. We didn’t know them. They were called Chronic Future. They were pretty good. I really liked how much interaction with the crowd they had. The singer kept getting right up in these girls faces in the front and accidently hit one of them in the head with the microphone when he was swinging his arm around doing the whole singer thing.

The medic droid was sitting right behind us at the bar having a beer before they went on. My sister went up and asked them for a picture and I took one of her with them. They seemed like they had the superstar attitude. They seemed pretty antisocial with the crowd and most of the time before they went on they were just sitting in their van playing with their hair.

During the time between bands when they were taking down equipment and setting up the other equipment me and my sister snagged a nice front row, center stage spot :]. After getting everything set up forever thy started the show, and it was awesome. They played 2 songs I’ve never heard before! At one point the singer threw the mic against the stage and it bounced and hit my sister in the leg. After one of the songs they’re all like “dance party”, pressed play on the macbook, and jumped into the crowd to dance with everyone. One of the dudes came up and danced with me. You know the type of dancing where its basically humping with clothes? Yea it was pretty much like that, but with a dude, it was way weird, but being friends with Anthony has desensitized me to dudes touching me so it really wasn’t that bad. The last song they played was Fer Sure and they called everybody up onto the stage. Everyone danced and sang and it was amazing. So yea pretty much a great night!!!!

Life Update

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 05:10:22 GMT

So I just got back from my property. I always like going there even though every time I come back with a nice array of cuts and bruises. This time wasn’t any different but ill get to that story later. I got there last night and just chilled. Across the road you can see the most amazing sunsets and watch the sun pass right down through Sacramento. I wanted to take pictures but I forgot and missed it :[. My mom went to bed at around 8 so I went out to my trampoline under the stars. My mind always runs wild out there. I just lie there and think and usually fantasize. My fantasies have been the same for years. It always involves me showing a girl the time of her life out there. She has the greatest time ever doing everything. It’s just the two of us and the world. The girl and the things we do changes each time I’m out there but its pretty much the same fantasy over and over. The part that never changes is when we go to bed. We go to sleep next to each other on my trampoline and we wake up as close as close can be in the morning due to trampoline physics. There’s nothing sexual about the fantasy at all. It’s all about the closeness and the bond we develop together. All I want is that closeness. I desire the closeness all the time. All I want to do is hold hands and cuddle with someone who shares the same love for me that I have for them and I will be truly happy. One day I’m gonna bring a girl out there to share that with me even if she isn’t the one of my fantasies. Well after my intense thinking session I got ready for bed and went back out there. I heard rustling in the leaves right next to my trampoline to I sat up and listened intently. I heard it some more and saw the shadowed figure of a deer. So I flashed my light at it and watched it and one of its friends chillin. It was pretty cool. A little while later I heard a weird noise further down the property. I sat up and saw/heard a figure run up across my field and then back down. It was really weird and kinda creeped me out. Then I freaked myself out thinking there was a mountain lion that was now watching me so I went to bed. This morning I woke up cooking in the sun. I had to get up and cool off. Later I went on a picture taking adventure, except I didn’t really take many pictures. I set off on my ATV in search of the watchtower so I could climb and take amazing pictures. Well I knew kinda where to go but now really. Uh oh. That’s a foreshadowing element in my lj entry if you didn’t pick that up. Well I turn down this road I thought it was and go down that. Then the road gets steeper, and steeper, and steeper. I’m leaning all the way forward now just so I don’t tip over backwards and roll it down the hill with me on it. I’m right at the top but there’s like this bump/buried tree in the way. Yea in order to go over that my ATV definitely would have been at a 90-degree angle. And because we have a thing called gravity I decided to not try it. So I get off so I can turn it around without tipping it from my weight. I somehow backed it off the road type thing I was on and into a more wooded area. Now I try to go forward so I can turn it around but the wheels are just spinning in holes they dug. The only way to go is backwards down the hill. There was like a 2 food drop behind it as well. So I go down and try to roll it off as gently as possible and keep it from rolling away wild down the rest of the way. Well of course it tends to do that so I chase and use my leg to assist in the stopping. I stopped the machine by falling and it running over my leg a total of 2 times. After it running away a couple more times I finally have a spot where I can try to turn it around. I get it perpendicular to the giant hill of glory and I feel it rolling. I try to stop it and push it up back onto all 4’s but I fall. I look up and see this giant machine about to crash down right on top of me. At that moment I knew I was gonna be one of those kids with a story of something stupid they did to get injured you always see at school. Well it rolled over the top of me and somehow I was fine. It rolled a couple more times and landed upside down. It shut off and I was just like o shit now what do I do. It wasn’t too hard to flip it back over because of the steep hill helping me out. And somehow it turned and was now facing downhill for me too. Right below me was a nice little flat area for me too. Unfortunately there were a couple more obstacles in my way. In front of the ATV was a little babyish tree. It was like 7 feet tall so it wasn’t that little. And right below that was another like 2 foot drop until the flat land. I tried to back it up the hill so I could go around the tree but it wasn’t about to go back up. I tried to pull it over the tree but the tree was too strong. I knew I could get over it if I got on the ATV but I knew that it would be going nose first into the ground once it went over that next drop off if I got on and I really didn’t want that. So my only option was to get on and creep it over the tree and hopefully survive the last part. I also thought back to the days I used to watch the xgames. I knew that if I wanted to land flat I would have to lean back and pull up on the handlebars. So that’s what I did. I got on, went over the tree, pulled off an awesome xgames style trick and was finally on flat ground. It felt so good to get off that hill. I was so shakey. I was really close to just going back home but if I never made it to my tower then all of that would have been for nothing. So I continue on and find the real road I was supposed to get off on and got all the way over the hill. Of course I get lost again. It was a nice flat road though but it did detour me like half an hour. I finally get there and see the tour in all of its glory. Its 13 flights of stairs, 9 steps each. I start climbing up it and it gets really scary really fast. The first time I climbed it it was all foggy so you really couldn’t see very well, this time there was full visibility. It’s all outside and made out of metal. In one part there’s a few boards missing from the ground so you have to take a really big step to get over the huge hole. The top 2 flights of stairs only have one hand rail so its really scary up there. I started breathing really hard at the top of flight number 8 like I was having a panic attack. I made it to the top but then I was too pansy to stand up and take pictures. It was really windy up there. I took a few pictures sitting down but there’s a big nasty rail going through everything. I finally got up the courage to stand and take a picture of myself for myspace. The view from up there was amazing though. You're the highest point out there. the next highest point was the sierra nevada mountains 50 miles away. You can just see hill after hill after hill just rolling all the way in all directions. It turned out alright. I got down without dying and got home without crashing. All in all it was a pretty good experience and I have some sweet marks left from it :].

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 07:57:41 GMT

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand
As fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else
I can really do
At all...

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 07:58:30 GMT

If You Really Love Something, Set It Free. If It Comes Back, It's Meant To Be

Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 04:40:55 GMT

January 1st, 2008 not only marks a new year but a new era in my life. 2007 is past and so is everything I once knew. 2007 was the year of a very definite end, 2008 is a year with more uncertainty that I know what to do with. From old to new, from chief to rookie, life has changed and now I must too. It’s time for a fresh start. The slate is wiped clean, the holes and hills have all been smoothened out to make way for a new series of life occurrences. Some may be rebuilt; some may be lost forever hidden beneath the vast unmarked lands ready to be built upon.

Goodbye 2007. We had our good times and our bad ones. A part of you will be truly missed but in the end I know I’ll be better off without you. Our last day together, you left me in pain, proving you are not the best apple in the bunch. I wanted so badly for you to be good but you left me disappointed once again. 2008 welcomed me with open arms and immediately tried to heal what your hands left. Some your wounds still lay open, pleading for a bandage. I require much healing but the scars will always be there for me to see

Hello 2008. I hope for the best. I’m sorry I come to you cowering; I have been abused in the past, please be gentle. Give me time and I will warm up to you. I will lie out my body and soul to do as you please. Please don’t hurt me; I’m in great need of a kind hand to pick me up from the ground. I want you to be the one who will change my life forever. Give me something to live for. Please.

Tonight I bid farewell to you 2007, and welcome you 2008. I break free from the shackles of the past and gracefully will accept whatever life has to give to me. For the first time I step across the caution tape and run blindly into my future. I will be taking the chances I have always ruled out and travel unexplored territories. Give me life. I am finally ready to accept it.

The Rise and Fall of Me

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 10:22:58 GMT

I wrote this a couple of years ago

Why cant it be that people remain close forever? What happens at that point when the peak is reached and the decline is started? In my experiences, everyone has followed the same negative parabola shape. We start out and gradually become closer and closer until we become so close we can talk about anything and everything and it is enjoyable. Thats the peak right there. Where the slope of the curve is equal to zero and time doesnt seem to exist. But after the peak always comes the decline. What goes up must come down. I think that usually the main cause of the start of the decline is that something diverts the girls attention away. Maybe they start talking on the phone more or they make new friends and go out more or get a new boyfriend or get a job but any way it is it leads us to the less talking part. When we talk less, we start to distance from each other. This distancing leads to me wanting to hold on more. This grasping leads to jealousy which leads to more distancing. Hope is then given up and I will stop trying to hold on and will let go. When this happens everything is gone and the bottom is reached. After the bottom is hit conversations rarely consist of more than basic greetings. No matter how hard we try we cannot hold a conversation even though just a little while before we were able to talk for hours. This is the cycle that everyone passes through with me. Its happened many times before and it will happen again

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 09:20:32 GMT

Are you serious??? Again?? :[

Weekend Retreat

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 22:49:45 GMT

So this weekend has been really nice. I was able to get out of the house and away from the stupid internet. Fresh air and nature is a nice change from my dark lifeless room. I finally had some free time to help my mom clean up the property a bit I got to do some actual manly stuff. I cut down a tree using a chainsaw. I gathered firewood for winter. I pulled huge pieces of dead trees out of the woods and load them into the back of pickup truck. Hard work released some nice endorphins into my body. I feel really good even though my lungs hurt, my arms and legs look like an emo kid’s after a bad breakup, and I know I wont be able to move my neck in the morning. Life is all about getting rid of all the old, dead brush to avoid fires and make room for new life. I learned some things this weekend. Firstly, a pile of leaves is not as fun to jump in as you think. When you take that leap high into the air expecting the leaves to catch you like a giant pile of pillows they only move out of the way to let you belly flop hard on the ground. Not to mention they itch like crazy and leave behind all kinds of nastiness on your clothes and in your shoes. Secondly I learned that you really don’t know some people when you think you do. You think you know exactly what a person is like until you're completely wrong. You should never put anyone on a pedestal. They’re probably not as great as you imagine and sooner or later everybody will let you down. It’s better to just live for yourself and nobody else. This weekend has been a very nice and enlightening experience. I think I’ll have to do it more often.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:03:04 GMT

I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone

Hopelessly Forgotten

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:57:41 GMT

I've always wondered what it would be like to be invisible, what it would be like to just be there but have nobody notice you at all. Before I kind of desired for that feeling, but today I felt it. I went up to the high school to get some transcripts and papers filled out for financial aid. I went up during class so that I wouldn’t run into too many high school kids but I still did run into too many people I knew, or at least used to know. On more than one occasion I saw someone I knew and used to talk to occasionally so I looked at them and smiled. We weren’t ever super close friends but we were still friendly and associated with each other from time to time. They all just looked at me and kept going like I didn’t even exist. The sad part is that it wasn’t only students who did this; it was teachers too. I would have thought they would at least have the decency to acknowledge me and maybe ask how life was but no they just looked at me like I was a stranger. Luckily there were a couple friendly people who actually cared I was there but if I weren’t there they wouldn’t care enough to contact me. I’m feeling this growing distance between me and everyone I once knew. First it’s the common associates who look through me, next it'll be the people I used to casually hug, finally it'll be the people I used to be inseparable with. I’m already feeling it in conversations. I used to be able to talk to someone for hours and hours but now we can barely hold a decent conversation about recent life events. We barely talk once or twice a week and this is what comes out of it. It’s very unsatisfying. Whenever I talk to anyone its always me who has to be the one to initiate the conversation. Nobody ever puts any effort into our friendships. Sometimes it isn’t even worth trying anymore. It really makes me wonder if anyone would even notice if I just didn’t exist anymore? Would they take the time to care?

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:40:51 GMT

So the past two days have been pretty uneventful. Just work and not much more. Its slow lately. Ive been getting better at the whole kitchen thing, making foods and them carrying them out to hungry people. Carrying food is alot trickier than it looks. Ive learned how to carry three plates about 10 different ways but Im still working on getting it down. The new chef is cool. Pretty soon were gonna have a completely brand new menu. The only thing thats staying is the calamari and the clam chowder which the new chef already completely reinvented. Im excited for the change. Ilianas last day today. Thats sad. It was just so out of the blue. I think they told her she needed to learn more english :[. Well thats my life for the past two days. Work and Home

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 09:47:57 GMT

Today was a good day :]
1. Woke up and ate a yummy sandwich my mommy had for me from TK
2. At 4 i went and got sushi with Jensine. it was super yummy and i want more.
3. Then we went to the pier at timbercove. it was so cold so we tried to lay on the dock hoping it would cut the wind a bit. it didnt
4. At 6 i went to dance class with Jessica. it was our last class. it ended up being a pretty fun last class. even tho most the rest of the times were boring and i didnt wanna go im still glad i took the class. its something ive wanted to do for a while now but never had anyone who would go with me. it was a nice growing experience.
5. After dance we went to the marriot
6. Saw one super cutie in line at coldstone
7. We sat by the fire pits and took some pictures
8. Later we decided to explore the arcades and took photobooth pics
9. Ran into Luis at the starbucks in Harveys. i sware that kid stalks me. i run into him everywhere.
10. Went back to the marriot where i finally got to meet Jessicas friend Crystal, handshake and everything. she had sticky hands cause she just ate it with her ice cream and got it all over. Shes cute and has a super cute personality.
11. After we met, the three of us went over to baja fresh where we sat and talked for about an hour.
12. After Crystal left me and Jessica went back to my car and talked about life for about another hour.
13. We seperated ways and i came home
14. I talked to Kendall on myspace for a little bit. shes a super cutie and is so awkward. i love it :].
15. I finally made my wire artsy antenna thingy but it didnt turn out like i wanted. i need to extend the wires farther onto my cieling
16. I started typing up an essay for a scholarship for my peru trip. I'm almost done. the ladies said that almost every single one of their students wh apply for this gets it becuse barely anybody actually applies to it. there $500 that i dont have to pay for. maybe $1000 :]

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 06:47:19 GMT

So i think ill start doing the daily updates of my life again. My life isnt that interesting as of lately so maybe itll be more like a summary of the past few days.

1. Today i woke up early for class.
2. Read a story about a 15 year old blonde girl with low self confidence who is pretty much talked into being raped by some older greasy dude with a car.
3. I finished my works cited for my paper.
4. Raced to class and ended up being like 5 minutes late but its all good.
5. Left class after only being there for an hour to go to a meeting for the peru trip. im really excited about the trip. they have a place in cuzco called sacsayhuaman. its pronounced "sexy woman". giggle giggle.
6. The ladys giving the presentation were hella cool and they had food. yummy yummy food. fajitas to be exact. i took one to go cause they had food for alot more people than actually showed up. whie i was walking to my car i was eating my fijita to-go. yea thts not a great idea. i straight up ate shit off this curb. but remaining fajita went all over the place. all over the ground and the papers i was holding and my hands. it was a disaster. i hope nobody saw me but o well. my leg still kinda hurts.
7. After the fajita fiasco i went home and got some financial aid papers.
8. went back to the college to turn them in and sat with jessica and honey for a bit on our couches.
9. came back home.
10. took a nice little nap.
11. went back to class. got my social psych test back. hella set the curve with my 48 out of 50. i giggle to myself knowing that i didnt even study when the whole rest of the class was stressing out caus they didnt study enough. sat through 4 hours of that class and came home.
12. now im here at home layign in my bed. ill probably watch some greys anatomy and hit the hay

Epiphany

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 11:04:04 GMT

I cant have the little innocent girl. I can have the little slutty girl or the older innocent girl.